OMFG!

Guess what's back? FLUMADIDDLE! That's right. It's back, and I'd like to think better than ever, but I know I'm only fooling myself.

What are you still doing here?

Get thee to Flumadiddle now!

My Little Runaway

Hi kids! Well, it's been a few days since I've written a post. Hahahaha. Things were pretty much going the same for me in my world until about two weeks ago. On April 24th, I was fired from my job. I've never been fired before. The reason I was given was that I couldn't take the company to 'the next level'. I then asked my ex-boss if he'd hired my replacement and he told me his wife was going to take my place. Then when I asked if she knew accounting he replied, "No, but she's free."

Holy shit, dude. She is so not free.

So, I've been jobless for two weeks. I spent the first week crying, but then I decided that not working and not having to deal with all the BS wasn't so bad.

Now I'm thinking of moving back to Little Rock. The only reason I moved up here was to get married and that didn't work. But I had my job to take the place of my marriage. Whatta ya know? That didn't work either. There's nothing keeping me here. I have friends here, but I don't think they could give two fucks where I live. I have no boyfriend. There are men who want to date me, but I don't want to date them. And the ones I want to date, don't want to date me.

If I had someone that would run away with me, that's exactly what I would do. We could drive around the country and camp. I'm so serious about this, too. I still have the mini fridge from my office in the back seat of my car, and I'll buy a friggin' tent. So if there's anyone out there and you're bored as fuck with your life and want to see the country with some 40 y/o, unemployed chick, drop me a line.

Now there's an offer you just don't get everyday.

I need a change.




Take Care,
Babs

L is for the Way You Look at Me.

I spent this weekend helping a friend move. We somehow stumbled onto the subject of love and she told me of a friend she had from Syria who was appalled that the English language only has one word for love. He thought it was extremely sad that we use the same word to say that we love our dog as we do to say that we love our spouse. I agree.

There are all different degrees of love and showing that love. We are showing love when we compliment a stranger's shoes, when we give directions to someone who's lost. We show love by kissing a child's scraped knee, by comforting a friend whose heart is breaking, by giving our time to others, by wrapping our arms around someone after a fantastic romp in the sack and telling them our secrets. We seem to be scared of love, though. Some are even scared of the word itself. The most natural, amazing emotion in the world and we're frightened. We're scared to fall in love because we don't want to be hurt. We're scared to help the person whose car is broken down on the side of the road because they might be dangerous. We're scared to talk to strangers. We're scared to talk to co-workers; scared to talk to neighbors. And at times, we're even scared to talk to those closest to us.

We're scared. And why? What is there to fear about love? That we may be rejected? That we may be hurt? Getting hurt may not be any fun, but we get over it. We heal and life goes on. What if we reach out to someone with love and it changes their day? What if one simple act of love changes their life? What if we allow someone to show us love and it changes our lives?

We all put up our masks to shield our true selves from others. Mine is typically sarcasm or inappropriate comments. I'm mouthy and use it to hide the person I really am. Why? Because it's scary to feel vulnerable. It's scary to let someone see who I really am, because what if they don't like me? What if I'm not lovable? But...what if they see the real me and love me exactly as I am and allow me to return that love?

What if we don't allow ourselves to love or be loved?

Are we going to reach the end of our lives and wish that we'd loved and been loved more or will we wish that we'd retreated even farther into our shells, not letting anyone in - always being controlled by fear?

I have been in love. I have been out of love. I have loved strangers, neighbors, co-workers, friends and family, the old, the young, the in between. I have loved and will continue to love. I will put down my masks more often so that others can see who I really am and love me for it. I will open myself up to others and show them as much love as I can - whether that's helping someone find their way, smiling at the person passing me on the street, helping a friend move, falling in love, saying a simple 'good morning', complimenting a stranger or laughing with my children.

I will love and I will never regret it.

Take Care,
Just Me

Mmmm...Bacon!

Do you love the taste of bacon and have the overwhelming desire to make everything you eat taste like cured pork? I know. Who doesn't? Well, you are going to love the hell outta me, because I have found the perfect company for you. There are two pork geniuses whose life's mission is to make everything taste like bacon. EVERYTHING! And who are these gods o' pork? It's none other than Justin and Dave, owners of J&Ds, and sweet holy pork fat, do they loves them some bacon.

For starters you can buy some Baconnaise (which really is bacon-flavored mayonnaise) and you can slather a blob of this smokey goodness on anything that'll hold still. Baconnaise. Doesn't that just sound yummy? And according to Craig P, who I assume is either a customer or one of the worst ad writers of all time, has this to say about Baconnaise. "It's like my sandwich just became a baconwich." Wow, Craig! That's seriously boggles the mind.

If Baconnaise is just too messy and time-consuming, you can grab some Bacon Salt and shake it over fried eggs, baked potatoes or just pour it directly into your mouth. Craig P. didn't let us down with his comment about Bacon Salt, either. "Why would you have fries if you could have bacon fries?" Craig, you're kind of being a pussy about your bacon flavoring. How about "Why would you shoot up heroin if you could shoot up bacon-flavored heroin?"

And just when you thought it couldn't get any better, it does. Much, much better. Because the Pork Pair have something that totally spanks Bacon Salt and Baconnaise.




All I can say is, it's about damn time bacon people. And somebody better pucker the fuck up, 'cause I'm bacon flavored!

Take Care,
Bacon Bit

To Eat or Not to Eat

Some enterprising entrepreneur has recently started putting up these signs around town. My darling daughter wanted to steal one at the time she snapped this shot, but being the good mother I am I told her we had to wait until dark.


I'm not sure exactly where the pain comes into play with this guaranteed weight loss plan, but I have a few plausible scenarios. It could be that you're purchasing a DIY stomach stapling kit, or maybe it's a less invasive procedure and The Diet Sadist just staples your mouth shut.

Maybe he cuts off a few of your limbs.

But I think the most likely scenario is that The Diet Sadist sends over some burly dude with a really big moustache and he just beats the shit out of you every time you try to eat.

Take Care,
Babsaroni

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

When I was growing up Christmas was always a magical time for me. It was the one time of the year that my father would stop abusing me. I'm sure I'll never know why that time between Christmas Eve and New Year's would harness the monster inside of him- it just did. Having that brief reprieve caused me to develop two unhealthy beliefs. The first was that Christmastime really was special and the second was that my happiness depended on the circumstances happening in my life.

Since severing ties with my parents, this time of year has always been a little tough for me. Not that I miss them, but I do miss having that connection of family. This year I was doing pretty good, but then life got in the way as it will and things looked like they were going to hell. Christmas morning I laid in bed for two hours feeling sorry for myself and then I made the decision that feeling sorry for myself was complete bullshit and a waste of time. So I got up, went for a walk, shrugged off my crappy mood and realized that SWEET FANCY MOSES I really am a happy person. I've had a sneaking suspicion that, that was the case for awhile now. I've gone so many years being afraid of happiness and now here it is. Regardless of the circumstances, regardless of the time of year, without fear or worry - I am happy.

And it's fucking awesome.

It means so much to me that you guys have been here to share in part of my journey.

Here's a song that says it much better than I can.



Love,
Babs

I'm Full of Shirt

You guys remember the flippin' sweet website, www.christianshirts.net? Just pretend like you do, okay? Christian Shirts has some pretty spiffy new designs in and I thought I'd share them with you. My generosity is overwhelming, isn't it?

What T-shirt Guy Says: Well, Obama won. Not much more to do except move to Alaska with these cool Christian Alaska t-shirts.

What I Say: Sweet Mammy of Jesus! Sending all of the fundamentalists to Alaska is a brilliant idea. The nutjobs can hunt the polar bears to make ear muffs out of their paws thereby freeing the bears from suffering through some long, drawn-out global warming ordeal. They will successfully wipe out any natural beauty within three weeks of the invasion which is totally okay with me. I mean, who really cares about Alaska anyway? It's not even like it's a real state.

What T-Shirt Guy Said: Is He in you? Sport this new Greateraid 1 John 4:4 Christian clothing.

What I Say: Well, as a matter of fact, he was in me. Bow chicka bow wow.

What T-Shirt Guy Said: Barack Obama and Joe Biden will wipe out America with their pro-choice policies. This pro-life clothing declares the truth about the Obama Biden presidential ticket.

What I Say: Yeah, but just wait until Obama and Biden start Phase II of Operation Wipe-Out America. That's when they're going to actually start eating the babies. And possibly a few unruly toddlers.

What T-Shirt Guy Said: Our newest Christmas t-shirts are here. Jesus is the greatest Christmas present ever.

What I Say: And we can't say it too many times. JC is the greatest present ever - like in the entire universe...even better than Sister Mary Margaret Barbie. I fullly expect one of my blog readers to be mailing Jesus to me for Christmas. Just don't forget to poke some air holes in the box. There's nothing worse than opening a present on Christmas day only to find a dead Jesus inside.

What T-Shirt Guy Said: Get our second Pro-life stork design just in time for Christmas on shirts, clothing, and more gifts.

What I Say: That's just all fine and dandy, but HOLY SHIT! What in all fine hells is wrong with that baby the stork is holding? Have you looked at that child? That baby is the love child of Satan and a Cabbage Patch doll. And you people don't believe in abortion? Unfuckingbelievable.

What T-Shirt Guys Says: For all the so-called tolerance of homosexuals, they sure are not very tolerant when they disrupt services at local Catholic and Protestant churches. Speak up with these t-shirts!

What I Say: Well, at least you're not being intolerant. You know what I think would help you T-Shirt Guy? If you got butt-fucked by a guy named Roger. I'm not sure why that particular name, I just think a Roger could really give it to you.

What T-Shirt Guy Says: We can put this design lower on the shirt for expecting mothers. Just write it in the comments box at checkout.

What I Say: Um. Yeah. Who else other than an expecting mother is going to wear a shirt that has "Baby Inside" on the front? Oh, I forgot...Barack and Joe will after they have all those babies in their bellies.

What T-Shirt Guy Says: Tired of being put in a box by pro-choicers who use double-talk all day long. Well, just tell them that you're really pro-choice, lol!

What I Say: It's kinda funny that you used the phrase "in a box". You wanna know something? I'm pro-choice, too. I choose to keep my pants down whenever possible. Lol. NO wait. LMAO. NO. STOP. ROFLMAO. No. That's not it, either.. ROFLMFAO. WAIT! I've really got it this time. ROFLMFPEWGSFWEDCCSWJERWWIAO.

Okay, that last one doesn't really mean anything. Or does it?

Hugs and Kisses,

Maggie Mae